All was still but the rising and falling of the chest on which I lay my head. The sun had risen and treaded its usual path; it now reached its final journey to where it rests and the sky bled its final drops of fiery hues. Yes, a day has passed and we have yet to move. I do not look up but I know your beautiful eyes of crystal are closed, not permitting the poor day to see it once. It doesn't matter, though; I know how they look, how they sparkle deviously in the dark and dim everytime some cruel thought passed your mind fleetingly.
I heave a sigh.
A deep intake of breath and a lengthy exhale answered as if the sound offended the ruling ambiance. It didn't, really. I move higher and brush my nose against your neck. Your scent cloud my senses instantly with only a short inhale and I felt more than heard the automatic sound that sounded from my throat. You shift and I move along.
I wonder if you find me heavy. With the position we're in- me, half curled on your torso as my legs stretch out to your right, under your arm, and you, lying on your back under me with your left hand partially cradling my crown- I could feel myself pressed to you and I could just imagine the heavy elephant pressuring your ribs; though I guess it doesn't really bother you- you're not so scrawny as to be bones and skin but you're not too muscular either, you're just right, the perfect build for my standard.
My hand clenches your black shirt and you tighten your grip on my hair. You hum lightly, your own way of asking if there's something wrong. If there's something bothering me. I nudge my face slightly deeper against your skin. Negative. Your other hand tighten around my thigh and you repeat your unspoken inquiry. Really, can I ever hide anything from you? I sigh and bite my lip. The grip on your shirt tightens and so does the pressure on my scalp.
I press my lips against your skin and you shudder lightly. Light touches haunt up your neck and reach your cheeks; they end just beside the corners of your lips. A smile touches mine when you tilt your head my direction automatically and widens when a frown lights upon your face.
I wait.
"What's wrong," your clear voice asks. "You're being cruel today."
I smile, knowing you cannot see but sense I do. "When have I ever been not cruel?"
Then your eyes flutter open and I barely caught a glimpse of icy crystals when you suddenly maneuvered my head towards yours. We kiss. You're frustrated, I know; I can feel it in the movement of your lips, though you try to hide it and I think I should tell you. Because we're getting carried away. Because you're no good for me. Because I've decided on a path that I know you would not tread upon. I pull back and you try to follow but I lift myself off and sit on you. I could almost laugh; you couldn't get up.
I drown in your eyes- liquid crystal- as I look down from atop you and as you stare back at me with an unfathomable expression. And I almost backed down because I know how much this will hurt me. This will hurt you.
It's your turn to sigh and I taste the bitterness on my tongue.
"Now I know there really is something," you say, closing your eyes and dropping your head. You brush raven hair off your pale face.
"You could say that," I reply as lightly as I could. I chirp.
You open your eyes once again and stare at me hard; you already figured it something bad and I can't blame you- I'm a horrible liar. The stillness came back again and I greet it with nonchalance. I fix my gaze on you as well.
I wonder if, after this, you would ever forgive me, ever talk to me or come near any vicinity I am close to. Will you resolve to forget me like the others who gave you pain? I reckon you would and I won't hold it against you; if our positions were reversed and I were my old self I would have cursed you, damned you to the pits of Hell. I would have rampaged and most probably injure you. You would bleed and I would laugh. I wonder if that would happen? I hope not; I hate pain. And yet, at the same time, I wouldn't really mind since I know I deserve to get hurt; I had and saw it coming.
Your hand reaches out towards my face, which was most probably blank from thinking, but I stop its progress and hold it between my own two. I grasp them gently, as if it were your heart. Your enchanting eyes ask me the same question once again. I kiss your fingers. They linger for as long as they could against my lips as I lower them back.
I feel tears drop down and I smile at the shocked expression painted on your face. Whatever could have incurred that? Your other hand reaches up and this time I let it brush the hair away from the wet trail, caress my dampened cheeks and cup part of my face gently. I close my eyes and take a long deep breath and lean my deeper against your palm. The warmth radiating of it was very calming and welcome.
I really don't want to do this.
I feel myself slide down and see you've managed to push yourself up into a seating position; you cross your legs over each other. I watch, curious, as you roam your hands about my face, run your thumbs over my cheekbones, trace my nose with your index fingers, press your fingertips on every surface. They run past my ears and separate. The right follows the path down my neck, across my shoulder, down yet again my arm and around my waist and meets your left which took a detour behind my neck and back to my sternum before heading towards my stomach. You hug me tightly against you, so much so my back automatically arches and chest involuntarily presses against yours. You rest your ear beside my pulse.
"Are you ready to leave?"
You knew all along. Alarms set off in my head but all was calm. My arms which hung on my sides instantly wrapped around your form, my apology and confirmation. Would it be melodramatic if I said we bitterly wept silently? It felt so for me, at least.
I lean my head against yours and we stay wrapped around each other for an unknown length of time. Not a tear from you. Not a sound, in fact. To say I'm surprised could be just enough to bring the bitter taste back in my mouth. You've changed as well and it saddens me. I've seen the fork in our roads but now I realize just how far apart they are.
Good-bye, my love. I won't be seeing you
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